Want to Improve Your Marriage? Get Rid of These Four Behaviors

Relationship expert and researcher John Gottman has identified four behaviors so lethal to a marriage that he calls them the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. These four behaviors are criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling. Below is a description of each of these behaviors along with some antidotes that can reverse their toxic impact on a marriage.

I will include beneficial action steps for both the receivers and givers of each horseman. I include the recipients of these behaviors in this analysis because how they respond can either escalate or deescalate the situation. This might feel unfair, but responding in the right manner can actually empower receivers.

One response that works for all the horsemen is to name them when you see or experience them and then be curious about them. For example, you could say “We are getting defensive” or “We are being critical. What is happening?”

These behaviors often arise from a sense of powerlessness, i.e., when spouses feel they have no control over the situation they are in. While it might seem paradoxical when someone is using horseman, it is a better response to help them feel more empowered rather than make them feel still more powerless.

Horseman #1: Blame/Criticism

Criticism involves attacking or blaming your spouse instead of his or her behavior. An occasional complaint about one’s spouse is inevitable in a marriage. However, a complaint is vastly different than a criticism.

This is because a complaint addresses a specific undesired behavior. By contrast, a criticism adds some derogatory words about your spouse’s character or personality. For example, ending any complaint with the words “What is wrong with you?” will turn it into criticism.

What you can do:

As previously noted, criticize behavior, not your spouse. Another beneficial response is to turn complaints into requests. If you are being critical: rather than saying “you didn’t tell me about the event”, you can turn this into a request by saying “I don’t want to miss another one of these events. What do you think about putting all events in a calendar from now on? Would you be willing to do that?”

If your spouse is being critical: Try to identify a reasonable request embedded in the complaint. If you hear “you didn’t tell me about the event,” you can reply by simply saying “I’m sorry. Would you like me to add these kinds of events to the calendar so that it will not be an issue in the future?”

This is a far better response than defending yourself (e.g., “I didn’t know you wanted to go”), which your spouse will hear as basically saying “it’s your fault because you didn’t tell me you wanted to go.” This escalates the conflict rather than creating momentum toward positive change.

Keep in mind that requests are not demands. To make an actual request, you must communicate that a counteroffer of a “no” is a valid and acceptable response. There may be occasions when demands are appropriate, but don’t disguise them as requests.

It is also important not to make the situation personal: Focus on “What is happening in our marriage?” and “What does our marriage need from us now?” rather than “Who is doing what to whom.” Be clear that blaming will not move your marriage in any positive direction; rather, focus on the changes you both need to make to take care of the issue.

You can also look at your contribution to the problem you are feeling critical about. Even if your spouse’s contribution was larger, you will feel less powerless if you can recognize how you contributed to the problem and what you can change about it regardless of what your spouse does or does not do.

Finally, apologies can also deescalate a conflict. Even if you did not feel you were being critical, you are much better off focusing on what your spouse experienced. It is helpful to remain curious about the impact of what you said and take responsibility for any contribution your words may have made to the conflict. “First take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.” (Matt. 7:5).

Horseman #2: Defensiveness

Although it is human to defend ourselves when we feel criticized, research indicates that this approach rarely improves the situation. When spouses feel attacked, they are unlikely to back down or apologize.

This is because they experience defensiveness as a means of being blamed. It’s as if you are saying, “It’s not me, it’s you.” This escalates the conflict. While it is common for the defensive spouse to feel above the conflict, in fact he or she is equally contributing to the conflict.

What you can do:

If you are feeling defensive, you can repeat what your spouse said and ask for clarification. For example, “I’m hearing you say that I am not trustworthy. Could you clarify that?” You can also search for the “2%” truth in what you are hearing. For example, “It is true that I often don’t leave enough time for unpredictable delays, and I can see how that would make me untrustworthy.”

Should your spouse exhibit defensiveness, ask him or her what they heard you say. It may be that they misunderstood you or that they felt criticized without you being aware of it. It will help deescalate the situation if you take responsibility for your impact and rephrase what you wanted to say.

Overall, show your spouse respect and communicate that you are not trying to be disparaging (assuming that is true). This will lower your spouse’s defensiveness and make a more productive conversation possible. “A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” (Prov. 15:1).

Finally, be an active listener. Make sure you are conveying to your spouse that you understand what he or she is saying. People typically become defensive when they do not feel heard. Really listening and hearing does not mean you have to agree with everything being said, only that you place importance on understanding it.

Horseman #3: Contempt

Contempt is displayed in sarcasm, belittling, cynicism, name-calling, hostile humor, and belligerence. Because contempt communicates disgust and disdain, it is the most toxic of all the horsemen. Contempt is also damaging to the physical health of those who harbor it. It tends to be fed by long-simmering negative thoughts about one’s spouse. Contempt is more likely to arise where couples cannot regularly resolve their differences once they arise.

What you can do:

You can start by pointing out when contempt happens and asking for it to stop. For example: “You are being condescending. Will you please stop?” If you are the one feeling contemptuous, use this sentence: “I feel…I want…” (e.g., “I am feeling contempt toward you at this moment, but I really want to be able to respect you and understand you.”) Note that in this sentence what you want is related to yourself, not to what you want your spouse to do.

Remember that respect is given and not earned. If you do not respect your spouse, this may be about your inability to see your spouse’s positive qualities and the image of God in them. Your actions will be more effective when you undertake them from a mindset of respect rather than contempt. Constructive conflict can only happen where there is a foundation of respect.

Finally, put an immediate stop to any sarcasm, eyerolling, cynicism, name-calling, and belligerence. Simply saying “I’m sarcastic and cynical and that is the way I’m wired” is not an excuse. It is harming your marriage more than you may imagine. “Therefore, you have no excuse, O man, every one of you who judges. For in passing judgment on another you condemn yourself, because you, the judge, practice the very same things” (Romans 2:1).

Horseman #4: Stonewalling

Stonewalling involves cutting off communication, silent treatments, refusals to engage, withdrawal, or, in mild cases, merely being reluctant to express directly what you are thinking. Frequently, once one or more of the other horsemen have been going on for some time, a spouse will need to tune out of the entire situation and stonewall. Unfortunately, this only serves to feed even more contempt in the other spouse.

What you can do:

If you are stonewalling, look at your reluctance to speak. What is this telling you? What part of your identity do you feel is at stake? Reflect on who you really are and then speak from this. It can also be helpful to differentiate between fear and actual danger involved if you were to say something. In the case of actual danger, you will not want to expose yourself to it, but at least explaining the reason for withholding information may be helpful to your spouse.

Consider if there are any safety conditions you can develop with your spouse that would help you (or your spouse) be more able to speak openly. For example, you may want to set a specific time to talk, establish short periods of time where only one of you speaks, and the other listens, and meet at a neutral (and perhaps public) location.

If your spouse is stonewalling, examine what you may be doing that makes him or her not feel safe communicating with you. Are you feeling contempt? Have you not valued your spouse’s ideas in the past? Have you been judgmental?

Should you or your spouse be engaging in any of these behaviors, they must be eliminated from your interactions with each other. Getting assistance with this may be a critical part of being able to remove these horsemen from your marriage for good.

I have spent years helping couples gain the insights and skills to leave these behaviors behind and would be honored to work with you and your spouse as well. It is never too late for your marriage to take a turn for the better.