Why Do People Have Affairs? 5 Possible Reasons

Affairs don’t always happen in unhappy marriages, but it does happen. Given the enormous consequences of infidelity, it can be perplexing to consider the question: Why do people have affairs? While the reasons can be varied, they can be classified, to make it easier to understand. If you’re struggling with the aftermath of infidelity, seeking support from Irvine Christian Counseling can provide guidance and healing during this challenging time.

Why Do People Have Affairs?

Here are five possible broad reasons why a spouse might commit adultery:

Giving in to temptation

Individuals who are happily married sometimes shock their spouse as well as family and friends by committing adultery. Why do such people have affairs? If asked, they cannot pinpoint a reason, other than a developing attraction for a person, usually in a circle where they have spent time together, such as at work or serving together in a capacity where they were in close contact.

As sinners, we shouldn’t overestimate our ability to resist temptation. We must recognize that even if we pride ourselves on a certain level of self-control, no one is beyond giving in to temptation. We should also remember that the devil “prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour” (1 Peter 5:8-9a).

Affairs because of unmet needs

“Why do people have affairs when they’ve been married for many years?” is a question often asked. At the heart of the success of every marriage is the ability to meet your spouse’s needs, and have these needs fulfilled for you in return.

While initially couples naturally do everything to serve their spouse in the “honeymoon period” of a marriage, over time, as life and busyness creep in, the investment in each other’s love tanks can wane.

We should also consider the fact that our spouses may have different love languages, and while we might like to shower them with gifts and enjoy quality time, if their needs are met through physical touch and words of affirmation, for example, they can end up with unmet needs. This opens the door for an affair to take place when someone who will meet those needs appears on the scene.

Exploring the unknown

Another common response to the question: “Why do people have affairs?” is that it represents something exciting and venturing into the unknown. Let’s face it, marriage can quickly become mundane, especially if couples neglect an intentional decision to keep adventure and romance in the marriage.

While a bored spouse may not actively seek out someone to have an affair with, if the opportunity presents itself they will be tantalized by the prospect of the “forbidden fruit” and a chance to feel desired and cherished (albeit in the short term, most often).

Affairs sparked by mismatched libidos

As affairs are often in the form of the physical sexual act, sex is cited as a reason why people have affairs. Certainly, if a couple struggles with mismatched libidos, and one individual desires sex more than the other, this can become a source of contention in the marriage. One partner may become increasingly sexually frustrated, and resort to an affair to have their needs met.

Dysfunctional childhood narratives

Dysfunctional relationships that were modeled to us in childhood can play out in marriage and lead to a reason as to why people have affairs. For instance, if a woman grew up with a cold and distant father, she could have internalized a narrative that she is unlovable. She might marry a man who is similar to her father, and then seek out “feeling loved” through affairs.

The sad reality is that, in addition to destroying her marriage and family, the dysfunctional cycle would continue if she got into a committed relationship with the person she had an affair with if she did not deal with her childhood trauma.

These are just five possible reasons as to why people have affairs. There might be others, but the bottom line is that the person who a spouse might stray to is seldom going to fix the problem. Infidelity wreaks devastation and needs to be avoided at all costs.

Christian Counseling for Infidelity

If you are in a situation where you are tempted to commit adultery or have had an affair, connecting with a Christian counselor who will be able to help you get your marriage back to a stronger place is a great place to start. Reach out to our office and we can schedule your first appointment with one of our trained professionals. For those in the area, Irvine Christian Counseling offers compassionate support to help rebuild trust and strengthen your relationship.