How to Journey Toward Recovering from Codependency

Healthy relationships take work. It’s not easy for two or more people to deal effectively with any issues or baggage from past relationships, or to address concerns in a current relationship. When any two people get together, they will have two (sometimes vastly different) sets of ideas about what’s important and about how to attain those important goals. This is especially true when codependency is involved.

Codependency is just one of many issues that can affect a relationship and how the people in it relate to one another. If you find codependency in your relationship, moving beyond it will help your relationship be healthy.

What does codependency look like?

There are several paths that people take into codependency, but codependency tends to look a certain way in relationships. Whether it relates to a parent-child relationship, siblings, friends, a coworker, or romantic partners, codependency can manifest in these relationships. The specifics may differ, but some of the general patterns of codependent relationships look like the following:

The relationship is one-sided.

One person is typically the focus of the codependent relationship; energy and resources are typically diverted to meet their needs and not everyone’s needs

One of you seems constantly in need of rescue, and the other always rides to the rescue.

Part of the relationships being one-sided is that there is always one crisis or another that needs to be attended to, and the pattern is that it’s generally the same person having the crisis, and the same person who feels compelled to swoop in and help.

Feeling fatigued after interactions.

As codependent relationships are so one-sided, interactions can be exhausting and emotionally draining.

Resentment of the other person.

Constantly being available to someone and meeting their needs while your own are ignored or go unfulfilled can lead to feeling resentful and unappreciated, even though you’re driven by the need to be needed. Resentment can also set in if the other person makes choices you disagree with.

Wanting to feel needed by the other person.

Part of codependency is a deep need to be needed and feeling overly responsible for the other person’s well-being. They are responsible for themselves and their own well-being, and even with a child, there’s only so much you can do to meet a person’s needs.

Feelings of guilt if you don’t step in to help.

You may feel bad if you can’t help, and experience feelings of guilt for not being available to the other person.

Jealousy and a closed circle.

Codependency enmeshes people in such a way that they are tied closely to one another. The downside of that is that the relationship feels like a closed circle, and there is jealousy experienced if one of you steps out of that circle and makes other friends or emotional connections.

You feel exhausted and struggle to keep up with your commitments.

Running around to meet the other person’s needs means that you often have to set aside your own needs, self-care, and commitments. It’s not uncommon for a codependent person to fall behind at work, miss deadlines, or get into debt because they can’t hold the line and not allow themselves to get drawn into someone else’s crisis and needs.

You share opinions and even moods.

In a codependent situation, because of the poor boundaries, it’s hard for each person to disentangle their feelings and thoughts from the other.

If the other person is angry, you may find yourself being angry even though there’s no legitimate cause. It is also common for people in a codependent dynamic to share opinions, or even for one to stop being able to make their own decisions without the input of the other.

Recovery.

The pattern of codependent behavior is sometimes learned from childhood, and it needs deliberate effort to unlearn those unhealthy patterns of relating to others. Journeying toward recovery from codependency requires honest engagement with where you are, and beginning to see that there’s something unhealthy in how you relate to other people. Here’s how you can begin your journey:

Recognize that your dynamic isn’t healthy.

Sometimes, codependent behavior is all you’ve known, and it is normal. See the signs of codependency for what they are and talk about it with the other person you’re in a relationship with.

They may be willing to change the dynamic, in which case you can journey together. However, if they see nothing wrong, that shouldn’t prevent you from taking steps to remedy the situation for yourself.

Set healthy boundaries.

This may entail taking a step back from the relationship as you work out what’s healthy or not in your relationship. Boundaries are necessary for any healthy relationship, as they help each individual define themselves and meet their unique needs.

Show yourself some compassion.

However you arrived at a codependent dynamic, you should not berate yourself either for being in that situation, nor should you yield to the emotions that sometimes accompany setting and enforcing your boundaries.

You’re not being mean, ungodly, or unhelpful if you choose to say “no” to something. It may take time to get comfortable with that, so show yourself some grace in the meantime.

Find help.

Relationships can be complicated and messy. Sometimes you can’t make head or tails of where things started or how they got off the rails, and talking with another person can help you untangle and make sense of it all.

Speak to a Christian counselor at Irvine Christian Counseling who can help you unpack your codependency, help you establish and enforce healthy boundaries, and disrupt untrue and unhelpful thoughts that fuel codependent behaviors.