How to Cope with Anticipatory Grief

We can’t always be sure of what is coming our way. It’s one of the things that can make life exciting, but it’s what can also make it challenging. If you’re going through a tough time, not knowing how it will end, or knowing that it won’t end well but being uncertain of what that end will be like is a struggle and may produce anticipatory grief.

Each individual will respond to loss, or an impending loss, differently. Anticipatory grief is one of the responses one can have toward an impending loss, and it can complicate the grieving process. Being able to cope with it will help you embrace the moments with your loved one and minimize feelings of regret later.

What is anticipatory grief?

Anticipatory grief describes a type of grief that occurs before the loss takes place. That loss could be anything, from losing a spouse through a divorce, moving away from your current home or workplace, having a loved one who is terminally ill, or coming to the end of a season of life. The loss itself hasn’t yet occurred, but it’s all but inevitable. In anticipation of that loss, one begins the process of grieving in anticipation of it.

Anticipatory grief is similar to other forms of grief in that it is a process of coming to terms with losing someone or something of importance. A person will undergo feelings and experiences such as anger, denial, bargaining, depression, and acceptance, the five stages of grief first outlined by Elizabeth Kübler Ross. That means anticipatory grief truly is grief, with the only difference being that the loss hasn’t yet occurred.

Anticipatory grief may be misunderstood if it’s taken as a sign of giving up on a particular situation, or of losing hope. Anticipatory grief cannot be equated with losing hope, but it is a way of coping with an impending loss. It is important, however, to recognize that there may be downsides to anticipatory grief.

The cons of anticipatory grief.

Grieving isn’t necessarily a choice. We can indeed give ourselves or withhold permission to grieve from ourselves, but grief is often a natural process that takes place without much prompting from us.

It’s often us, for various reasons, who don’t allow that process to occur. Considering this, it may seem strange to talk about the cons of anticipatory grieving, as though one could sit down and draw up a list of pros and cons, and then decide accordingly whether to grieve or not.

However, understanding the cons of anticipatory grieving isn’t about informing a decision as much as understanding how this form of grief may potentially impact you and the people around you. Knowing what is happening may provide you with an opportunity to engage in the situation better, with greater self-awareness and empathy toward others.

Some negative aspects of anticipatory grief to be aware of:

Not being present.

Anticipatory grief means that your heart and your mind may be focused on what is to come, more than on what is right now. Instead of being present and enjoying the moments you have with your neighbors before you move away, or with your loved one before they pass away. You can lose precious moments here and now by focusing beyond the present.

Disconnection from other loved ones.

If you are grieving while others around you are not, that can fuel a sense of isolation and disconnection from them. It may also contribute to feelings of anger and resentment toward them, as they may not be grieving in the same way you are. They may come across as unfeeling or uncaring because they are not experiencing the moment in the same way as you are.

Complications after the loss.

Anticipatory grief may be compounded and complicated by the loss occurring. While anticipatory grief can help you begin coming to terms with an impending loss, it may not result in lessening one’s grief when that loss occurs.

Having said all the above, it’s important to recognize that anticipatory grief is also helpful as it may provide you with the impetus to reach a resolution over outstanding issues, pursue forgiveness, reconcile disputes, or mentally prepare yourself for the anguish of letting go of a loved one.

Methods for coping.

Anticipatory grief is grief, and it will affect you in the same way conventional grief will. Some of the ways to cope with it include the following:

Try to be present.

Don’t forgo opportunities to connect with loved ones. Make good memories here and now and spend time with those you love.

Understand that grief is complicated.

You will experience a range of emotions. Awareness of this will prepare you for how you may react. Also, understanding that grief is complex will allow you to give others room to grieve in their own way.

Don’t neglect self-care.

Whether it’s grooming, taking part in regular exercise, eating a healthy and balanced diet, or sleeping well, self-care is a must for your well-being. Part of self-care is also having healthy boundaries so that you don’t overextend yourself or get chronically stressed.

Find support.

Talk to someone about what you’re going through. Whether in group or individual counseling, you can explore what you’re feeling and seek to reframe your loss in a way that allows you to process your grief and maintain daily functioning.