Overcoming Bitterness From Violated Personal Boundaries

Each and every one of us has been created in the image of God (Genesis 1:26-27), and that means we are dignified beings worthy of respect. We have our own thoughts, opinions, and needs. We share similarities and interests with others, but we are individuals whose boundaries deserve to be honored. Boundaries are the lines that demarcate us from others, and that protect our integrity as individuals.

These boundaries that create a dividing line between us and the people around us can be violated in several ways. Often, being when boundaries are violated anger, resentment, and bitterness grow. These can, unfortunately, end up defining and even destroying relationships.

Boundaries and Bitterness

There are several kinds of boundaries that a person can have. Some boundaries include having your own thoughts and opinions about things. Other boundaries are concerning relationships and what you might expect of your partner. Yet other boundaries can be about your physical space, and what you feel comfortable with when it comes to physical touch and how close people can come to you.

These various boundaries are important because they set important limits to how a person will treat others, and how they want to be treated. The boundaries that a person sets helps them to get what they need in relationships, which is key to one’s wellbeing. A person isn’t always aware of their own boundaries, and as a result, they may only find out that they have a boundary when it has been violated and produces a negative reaction.

A person’s boundaries can be violated in many ways. Sometimes this happens when boundaries are inconsistently communicated, which consequently results in those boundaries being violated. These boundary violations may be unintentional. Often, they can be brushed off because they weren’t communicated clearly. However, other boundary violations may occur despite clearly communicated expectations and needs.

When someone violates your boundaries, it can feel as though your needs and wants are being disregarded and thought of as unimportant. That sense is only amplified if the boundary violation occurs after the boundary has been clearly communicated, because it can come across as a deliberate slight. If, for instance, you’ve made it clear that you should be asked before someone uses your car, you can feel disrespected when it’s used without permission.

The result of boundaries being violated is often feelings of bitterness or anger. Boundary violations weaken the relationship. When someone ignores what you’ve asked or they mock your requests, that may be signaling a lack of respect and care for you. Hurt, frustration and bitterness can easily result from boundary violations, especially if they are repeated.

Addressing Boundary Violations Well

When it comes to your boundaries, the important thing to remember is that your boundaries are your own. It’s up to you to communicate them, as well as enforce them. If you are tempted to bitterness toward someone who has violated your boundary, there are at least two thigs to consider:

1. Have you communicated your boundary? Boundaries are about you, your values, and your needs and expectations. You can’t assume that another person knows your boundaries, especially if they are a stranger. The other person may not even know that they have crossed a boundary. Be assertive in communicating your boundaries so that others have the opportunity to honor you and meet your needs.

2. Have you enforced your boundary? When your boundary is violated, it is up to you to enforce the consequences that you communicated would ensue. Instead of being bitter, implement or enforce your boundary. Where it is safe to do so, confront the person who has violated your boundary. Enforce the boundary with the consequences you’d said will follow that violation.

When a boundary is violated, it also gives you the opportunity to reassess that boundary. Sometimes boundaries are negotiable, and you can reach a workable compromise with the other person. This is especially the case when it’s in relationship with a loved one, and the boundary isn’t a non-negotiable one. Some non-negotiable boundaries include behaviors indicative of abuse, whether emotional, physical, or sexual abuse.

There are circumstances in which your boundaries are violated, and the behavior is repeated and threatens your wellbeing. If these violations aren’t the result of miscommunication, but of deliberate and willful behavior, there are other options to consider. You could decide to end the relationship, or you could take some time and emotional distance away from the relationship.

Another option is to talk with a therapist or counselor, and to seek their help in finding a way forward. Your counselor can also help you with setting, communicating, and enforcing healthy boundaries, as well as working through the feelings that can arise when boundary violations occur.

If you are ready to speak with a therapist about how to set boundaries or recover from the lack of them, reach out to our offices today. We have skillful therapists in our directory with techniques that could help you be set free from bitterness and anger. Call us today for an appointment.