Moving Toward Wholeness Amid Relationship Problems

Relationships can sometimes get stuck in familiar, unpleasant patterns. It may not be anyone’s fault, but a relationship can become mired in problems, nonetheless. When that happens, it can be challenging to move toward a resolution that addresses the issues and satisfies everyone in the situation.

Relationship problems can take various forms, and the resolutions to them will require variety in their creativity and application. This article will outline some of the root causes of problems in relationships and then suggest some of the ways to move toward wholeness when you find yourself in a relationship that is mired in problems.

Where relationship problems stem from.

Relationships come in different forms, such as the relationship between siblings, between a parent and their child, between two lovers, or between colleagues. Each relationship will have a unique history, dynamic, and set of complications. For instance, the sibling relationship may have a longer history that includes issues of parental favoritism. That can influence how the siblings relate to each other.

As these relationships vary, the issues in them and the sources of those issues will also vary. Broadly, however, there are several sources of problems in relationships. Some of these include the following:

Poor communication.

People may be perceptive, but it is impractical and unhelpful to assume that they can divine what is in the minds of others. That is what makes communication so important. It is through communication that you make your expectations known, or that you work through any thorny problems that beset your relationship.

If there is poor communication, a relationship may find itself constantly dealing with unmet expectations and hurt feelings because of both intentional and unintentional affronts. The people in a relationship can also find themselves constantly fighting and unable to meaningfully resolve their problems.

Self–interestedness.

To some extent, we all have a bent to look out for ourselves before other people. One of the reasons the maternal instinct is often so lauded is that it tends to be one of the best instances of selfless love toward another person. We may often look out for our own interests for any number of reasons, including the fact that we may feel that if we don’t, no one else will look out for what’s best for us.

When two self-interested people are in a relationship, that self-interest can clash, and they may find themselves at odds with each other. One spouse might want to rest after a long work week, while the other wants to be intentional and create room for emotional connection. Both things are good, but focusing on what one wants without considering the interests of others is one way to generate frustration and conflict.

It’s important to understand that there is nothing wrong with having needs, and in trying to get those needs met. Every healthy relationship needs to carry the awareness that the people in it are individuals with their own set of needs and concerns. That is what boundaries are; the lines that delineate where one person ends, and another begins. Those boundaries are important for maintaining personal integrity and in knowing how best to love the other person.

A healthy relationship negotiates the boundaries of the people in it well, allowing for needs to be met without descending into selfishness. One Scripture says, “Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others” (Philippians 2:3-4, ESV).

It takes a rootedness in something deeper and greater than yourself to trust that you don’t have to get ahead at all costs and that your needs will be met without you needing to elevate your needs above those of others.

Not filling the gap with grace.

When poor communication occurs, there is a gap that can exist between the two people in a relationship. That gap is in understanding the intention behind a person’s words or actions. It’s true that when someone doesn’t respond to a text, they might be doing so because they aren’t prioritizing the message. Surely, if they cared, they would respond quickly?

The problem with gaps, whether those gaps come in the form of silence, poorly worded statements, or actions that could be open to interpretation, is that they can be filled with intentions that don’t represent what the person had in mind.

Maybe they didn’t respond quickly because their phone was out of juice, or they had no signal. In the gap between you sending the message and when they respond, you have a choice of what intentions to attribute to them.

It may turn out that the delay in responding, or that seemingly poorly worded statement they made really did have meanness embedded in it. However, a lot of angst and pain can be avoided by filling the gaps with grace and assuming good intentions until you are shown otherwise.

Inconsistency.

One of the ways to build trust in a relationship is to act in such a way that your words and actions can be relied upon. When you share life experiences with another person and through that show yourself to be reliable, that forms a healthy foundation for a relationship.

On the other side of that, if you’re in a relationship with someone, and they are inconsistent and cannot be relied upon, that can be a source of great hurt and frustration. It could be regarding promises they made to do their chores, to show up to support a loved one’s endeavors, or to be faithful. If a person doesn’t show up when they said they would, and you were relying upon them, that can damage a relationship irreparably.

These are just some of the reasons why relationships can end up being mired in problems. Sometimes, despite our best intentions, we can have unhelpful habits that undermine the health of our relationships. Anger issues, for instance, can make it hard for a relationship to feel safe.

If you’re afraid that the other person may just blow up at you for something you’ve said or done, it can make you walk on eggshells around them. Anger issues can also make it difficult to negotiate and reach meaningful compromises because they can stifle conversation.

Many other issues can be at the root of relationship problems that haven’t been discussed here. It can be said that most problems in relationships can be traced back to unhealthy patterns of thought and behavior, many of them learned from the people in your life such as parents or other influential figures.

These patterns affect how we view ourselves and others, and what we think are appropriate ways of relating to other people. They can damage relationships in small and large ways.

Wholeness in relationships.

Several things can be done to bring health to a relationship that has issues in it. Some of them have already been suggested. For instance, approaching a situation by giving room for possibly good intentions on someone else’s behalf before you know the full story can help immensely in any given situation. Don’t rush to assume you know what a person means before you’ve sought clarity from them about it.

Other steps you can take include the following:

Listening more and better.

Communication isn’t only about talking; it is also largely about listening to other people and hearing what they are saying, and not what we assume they are saying. Listening takes patience and skill, including being able to ask clarifying questions, and getting rid of all distractions when having a conversation with someone.

Dealing with anger (and other) issues.

If you have anger issues, consider seeing an anger management counselor to help you work through them and learn how to express your anger appropriately. If you have issues with being inconsistent due to poor planning on your part, then maybe speaking to a life coach can help you become better organized.

You can also seek help to be more effective at handling conflict. Being able to resolve conflict effectively is a huge part of why relationships succeed, and having that skill is a boon.

It is important to seek help to address any issues that may be undermining your relationships. Christian counselors address a wide range of issues that impact how a person builds and maintains relationships with others, and they can help you manage your relationships better.