Keys for Connection: Navigating Codependency, Neglect, Abandonment, and the Hurting Heart

Those who have suffered through a difficult past, peppered with neglect and abandonment, long to be affirmed and accepted, healed and whole. However, the trauma and shame associated with having been denied either physical and/or emotional needs can be crippling for a child or adolescent. When discussing trauma, we often acknowledge the impact of abuse or actions committed, we must consider that the absence of affirming attachment is also harmful. If we experienced abandonment and neglect as part of our history, our adult selves are likely cohabiting with the phantoms of past pain. Beliefs formed at critical periods, and through painful experiences, have shaped us in ways that don’t remain localized in our heads, but filter throughout our relationships with others and with God. Abandonment and neglect dismantle trust. Insecurity characterizes bonds with those designated to care for us in ways we were unable to provide for ourselves. Secure attachment is eroded when those needs are ignored by a physical absence or emotional denial. Humans are resilient, surviving, and adapting, even when our coping means are not necessarily healthy. The beliefs and behaviors we form in codependency reflect mistrust and exhibit an exaggerated degree of self-reliance. We sequester ourselves behind barriers, having learned to brace ourselves against the worst that life has trained us to anticipate in others, and often God, Himself. We may no longer be in the settings where we acquired this mindset, but its effect lingers. It informs perspectives about self and others and consequently affects how we engage in relationships. Often, our maladaptive response is heralded and celebrated as the appearance of strength and independence. However, its toxicity lies in the walls erected around one’s heart. Keeping others out invariably imprisons us within ourselves.

Decoding codependency.

Abandonment and neglect extend their reach by establishing codependency in our mindsets and our actions. It behaves as a code that locks us out of healthy and life-giving connections with ourselves, God, and others. Some examples include mistrust, suspicion, and manipulating others by people pleasing or maintaining a distance that thwarts emotional intimacy. We may not realize how denying access to trustworthy others forfeits the psychological, social, and emotional support essential for every human being. This can be especially damaging to us, as God created us to thrive interdependently, growing and being forged in relationships that sustain an authentic and vibrant community. Codependent behavior bars others from the blessing and benefit of intimate fellowship with us. When we isolate and withhold our authentic selves behind the veil of codependency, we barricade opportunities for mutual engagement. We block our connections from potentially hurting us, but we also negate the role that relationships with friends and loved ones catalyze in healing wounded hearts. Choosing to view others through the lens of past pain will keep us imprisoned there. Instead, we can allow the Holy Spirit to lead us as we lean forward into a hopeful future where God desires to make all things new. God formed unique facets of our person to serve others, including our family, friends, and others in faith or fellowship circles. Closer loved ones may express legitimate needs for warmth, yet find us exhibiting emotional unavailability, controlling behavior, extreme jealousy, or general insecurity in the relationship. Furthermore, unhealed heart wounds hinder emotional intimacy and deny authentic connection with our children, even as our younger selves required the same with our parents. Unknowingly, our emotional distance continues those patterns with the next generation, even if we are present and providing for their physical needs. Our own unmet childhood needs can prevent us from fostering secure emotional attachment in our households, repeating what was done with or to us.

Savior and the soul.

Yet, when we encounter the love of the Savior, we experience a radical difference. He loved and sacrificed for us first, without demanding our performance or trading behaviors for needs met. Instead, Jesus calls for us to unburden ourselves of striving and find rest in His Presence (Matthew 11:28-30). Though we encounter immediate change when we accept Christ and confess Him as Savior, healing often evolves through the process. Souls transform and will continue as we are sanctified or set apart by the Truth of God’s Word (John 17:17). While it begins at conversion, our consecration or devotion to Him continues until we one day see Jesus face to face. Although we have experienced the deep wounds of emotional and perhaps physical neglect and abandonment, Jesus comes to remit the soul wounds that have accompanied those horrors. In His own body, Jesus took the depth of physical punishment, mental torment, emotional distress, and spiritual crushing to pour His entire life to give us ours.

And, “I will be a Father to you, and you will be my sons and daughters, says the Lord Almighty.” – 2 Corinthians 6:18 NIV

\The changes associated with conversion represent a new beginning, but the Holy Spirit desires to bring comprehensive healing and deliverance from the effects of codependency, neglect, and abandonment. Salvation isn’t only about making our spirit new but bringing the present promise of abundant life.

Deleting the Debt

Though it seems unlikely, forgiveness clears the debt that the past exacts on our present. When we release others to God’s care, we sever ourselves from being controlled by the hurt that seethes under the surface. Forgiveness doesn’t mean that we condone any form of abuse, neglect, or abandonment. Forgiveness neither absolves the need for accountability, nor resumes relationships, and certainly without newly established boundaries, therapy, and ongoing honest communication. Everyone’s situation may be different, and in some cases, those actions may neither be healthy nor possible, but Scripture affirms that forgiveness is always in order.

For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. – Matthew 6:14 NIV

It may help to envision seeing Jesus, whose Blood has atoned for sin and its deathly assault on the soul. We need Christ’s miraculous power to heal what we cannot. Although we may want to resist the discomfort associated with this truth, it is forgiveness that cuts the cords of past pain and frees us into the future that God intended. The Holy Spirit will forgive us if we ask. He supplies us with the grace needed for what exceeds our natural ability.

Reset and restore.

Instead of focusing on people, we look at the Messiah who came to save, heal, and deliver. He is our Advocate, Righteous Judge, and Merciful Father who cares for us. Can we surrender our pain and justification to God, realizing that His protection outweighs our ability to cover our hearts? Can we accept Jesus’ sacrifice to satisfy the payment for our sins and the healing we need? If so, we can release the individuals who played a primary role in the hurt produced by codependency, neglect, and abandonment. The eternal God knows how to handle human hearts that need to be softened into repentance. He can address the sin condition that contributed to neglect and abandonment worming its way into our bloodline. Forgiveness conveys trust in Him beyond what we can see or codependently control. No other human, regardless of how complicit, can restore who we would have become without the trauma associated with neglect or abandonment or repay us for losses incurred along the way (Isaiah 61:7). Only the Savior’s redemptive Blood and His Spirit can reset us to the Father’s original design.

Next steps for overcoming codependency.

As you are in the process, you may need to rejuvenate your spirit and restore your soul from the effects of codependency, neglect, and abandonment. To disrupt dysfunctional patterns and establish a healthier set of interactions, embrace the help that comes from God and an empathetic counselor. Search this site for resources and schedule with a professional today. While codependency, neglect, and abandonment may have caused you to be locked out of the blessing of relationships with yourself, God, and others, the keys to connection are in reach.