Important Premarital Counseling Questions to Ask

If you have found yourself scrolling through this article, then it may mean that you are seriously considering that next step on your romantic journey. If not, then perhaps you are simply curious about that important stage in life you witnessed as you grew up. In either case, it is good to prepare oneself, especially for something big as marriage.

Hoping to avoid the mishaps witnessed growing up, many couples are heeding the advice of premarital counseling to ensure that they are prepared for life after walking down the aisle. Irvine Christian Counseling offers premarital counseling services to help couples build strong foundations for a healthy, lasting marriage.

Pre-engagement counseling is another option for those who want to make sure that the engagement itself starts off on the right foot.

But before booking an appointment, consider first some important questions so that you do not walk into the counseling session clueless about your true inner intentions. The premarital counseling session is there to ensure that both parties know what they are doing.

But sometimes the real soul-searching has to occur beforehand so that the answers given in the session are truly from the heart and not something rushed simply to keep the conversation rolling.

Premarital Counseling Questions to Ask

Here are some important premarital counseling questions about “Who – What – Where – When – Why” you are considering marriage.

Who Exactly is He or She?

This may seem like a very silly question to ask as you have probably known each other for months or even years; and yet, many people discover later on that it is a question they wish they had fully explored prior to tying the knot. As many couples now draw inspiration from the media, true romance is often seen as something that is “fun” and “exciting.” They forget that much hard work is needed for a real marriage to succeed.

So prior to making any wedding plans, it is important to reflect upon one’s partner-to-be. What do they value? What do they actually prioritize? What are their quirks? What do you appreciate? What do you dislike? Do you expect them to change?

Upon closer evaluation, there are two categories that surface – securities and insecurities. The securities are the things that make your relationship secure for you, the positives that make you believe you have found the “one.” These may be their traits, personal background, or skills they have that complement what you have, making the two of you very compatible, making you a “team.”

The other side, of course, is all about what makes you insecure about the relationship. What bothers you about him or her? Are there any vices or bad habits that trouble you? What have you always wanted to know but were not able to ask? What issues have you not resolved?

Some Things to Consider

For many couples, their past relationships can be a big worry, especially if one of them has had more than one sexual partner while the other has not had any. Despite assurances that there is nothing to “worry about,” sometimes one cannot help but wonder if there is a bit of comparison or even longing for a past flame, especially if there was no true closure or if there is still regular communication with that person.

Prior to marriage, the couple ought to discuss their past so that both walk into marriage with eyes wide open, knowing that they truly chose to love their partner for better or for worse. If not, jealousy will rear its ugly head, making things extremely difficult.

Another area of importance is their spiritual life. Do you both have the same beliefs? What are the differences? Are these minor or major?

In 2 Corinthians 6:14 it says, “Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness?” If one is a true believer and the other is not, there will be much conflict later on in the family’s direction, the way the children are raised, and how major issues are resolved.

Right now you both might seem to “agree” on things (e.g. what movie to watch, where to save your money); but if you are spiritually incompatible, your marriage may not be able to overcome the big problems.

Lastly, aside from pondering about your future spouse, you also need to consider who YOU are too. Consider as well where you stand about yourself since you will need to know who you are to determine if you and your future spouse complement one another or not.

What is Marriage to Me?

Another important issue to consider before premarital counseling is your view of marriage. Over the years, the idea of marriage in many people’s minds has changed. For you, is it a lifelong bond or is it just a piece of paper to satisfy legal demands? Is divorce a big no-no? Or is it an option should things go awry?

As for the details, how will the finances be managed? Where will you live? How will holidays be divided between families? How will household chores be shared?

Many couples decide to cross the bridge when they get there, believing that marriage is to be experienced and not planned out like an office event. Sadly, this often results in many conflicts when the spouses are not able to agree, causing them to wonder if they married the right one.

While it is true that many life lessons may only be learned when the situation presents itself, the abovementioned questions are basic to starting a new life together. Without figuring them out first, it will be like building a house without a blueprint.

Where Will We Be 20 Years Down the Road?

Once the marriage has been defined for you, you ought to consider what the future holds. In some relationships, partners can only see the now and are not able to envision a life several years down the road. If such is the case, then you ought to wonder why you are getting married in the first place.

Some questions to ask include, where will the marriage be 10, 20, 50 years down the road? Will there be kids? Will you adopt? How many all in all? How about pets? Are there any plans for further education? Do you plan on relocating elsewhere or settling in just one place? Is anyone hoping to become a missionary a few years down the road?

Unfortunately, for many marriages on the rocks, one of the biggest reasons given is that the spouses simply “grew apart.” Yes, as the years go by, change is expected to occur. But if both spouses had the same vision, then they ought to have been able to stick to the same path despite their individual changes. It is because they were not fully aware of each other’s plans that they ended up going in different directions.

As you contemplate upon these future plans, consider the potential obstacles as well (e.g. inflation, changes in government, evolving trends in the workplace, and even family or friends that may hinder your goals) and the possible forms of assistance (e.g. trusted friends and family members, secondary options like online learning or work).

It may seem like a lot to take in, but if you talk and pray about this together, you may be able to make those initial plans and contingencies that can help steer you forward once the vows have been made.

When Will You Marry?

An important part of the marriage journey is the starting point which is an exciting part that many look forward to. But this is more than just reserving the venue and picking out the dress, flowers, food, and other arrangements; it also includes choosing the date itself.

In today’s times, some couples often spend years together with no concrete plans as to “when.” While it may end up okay for some, there are many others who end up separating ways since the “big day” is never ever fully discussed.

Aside from the planned date, other considerations include the costs of the marriage and perhaps the savings needed to begin that life as a family. There may even be personal goals that are still in the way such as an awaited promotion, a possible business trip, a degree to finish, travel plans to fulfill, or other leisurely pursuits to complete.

These all need to be discussed to see whether you are both in sync or whether you are just wasting one another’s time.

Why are You Marrying?

This is a very crucial question as many marriages have ended up in shambles because the answer to this was very vague. Nowadays, a lot of contributing factors push people to get married. Some do so because they have been together for so long that marriage is simply the next “logical step.”

For others, their age pushes them to marry as they are worried about menopause. In relation to this, family members may also pressure a couple to marry due to the desire for grandchildren or even worries about their child ending up as a spinster.

If such are not the driving forces, you need to ask, “Why now? And why him/her?” As it is quite common for people to have had several love interests over the years, you should be wondering why you have chosen this specific time and particular person to marry (which may again bring you back to the earlier questions discussed earlier in this article).

These may all seem like questions for someone about to get cold feet, but that is not the intent. In pre-marriage counseling, the “why” is very important to ensure that partners have the right intentions. Marriage is a lifetime of love and sacrifice, it should not be taken lightly by any party.

The Next Step

Once all these questions have been examined personally and together, it is now time to talk with a pre-marriage counselor or even a pre-engagement counselor. In a neutral environment, the things left unsaid may be brought to light and a healthy dialogue may begin.

An experienced counselor is able to dig deeper into superficial answers to discover the true intentions. They are also able to read body language to see if something is being held back. And most importantly, the counselor is there to remind the couple of their marital obligations not just to one another, but to God.

Again, the intent is not marriage prevention. It is to ensure that the partners have consciously made the right decision to become one and that they are prepared to do so. If not, then advice will be given to make sure they are on the same page before they set that wedding date.

If you or someone you know is considering engagement or marriage, reflect upon the important questions discussed here and then contact a Christian counselor to help you in your decisions. God created marriage and He wants you both to succeed. Irvine Christian Counseling is here to support you in making wise, thoughtful decisions for a strong, faith-based relationship.