How to Build Trust in a Relationship: Essential Steps

Before we talk about how to build trust in a relationship, let’s define trust and discuss why it’s essential.

What is Trust?

In a relationship or marriage, trust means:

• Having confidence in the other person’s loyalty and love.
• Knowing you can rely on them in times of need.
• Feeling safe and comfortable with them.
• Being vulnerable with them because you know they won’t take advantage of it.

Without trust, no relationship can grow or even survive. It will be plagued with insecurity and suspicion.

The Importance of Trust in a Relationship

When a couple can establish a relationship in trust, there is a sense of security that allows them to be their authentic selves. A healthy relationship of substance is built on trust. When there is trust in a relationship, insecurities can be more easily kept at bay. Irvine Christian Counseling can help couples strengthen trust and build a secure, healthy relationship.

When trust is the foundation of a marriage, the couple feels secure enough to be real with each other as they rely on mutual loyalty and caring. Insecurities may still arise, but they can be dealt with much more constructively when the foundation of trust already exists.

When spouses can count on each other, they can face problems they encounter together and maintain a balance between their marriage and outside relationships, such as with extended family and friends. Trust also allows them to have healthy individual space and growth without feeling that the relationship is threatened.

When you can rely on your spouse, you’ll have a more confident marriage overall, as well as a reliable support system. Couples whose marriages offer consistent support are more likely to experience individual growth through challenging themselves and taking risks.

When you know your partner will always be there for you, you feel free, supported, and cared for. You aren’t distracted by the what-if’s or insecurities; you’re able to focus on achieving your goals and growing individually and together.

When a marriage goes through hard times from without or within, being able to trust each other deep down will give a couple strength to make it. No matter what they’re going through, they can persevere as a team.

In any relationship, people will inevitably hurt each other in some way. Healing can happen when the relationship is built on trust because even underneath the hurt you know that the other person is loyal to you and loves you. When you have that knowledge, you can be honest with each other and forgive each other no matter what happens.

Again, if a relationship isn’t built on trust, it will crumble eventually. Fears and insecurities will creep in, and the relationship will break down because of chaos and dysfunction. There’s no way to thrive in a marriage if either partner is untrustworthy

It’s like building a house on the sand; when the first hint of difficulty or suspicion arises, the union will collapse. By contrast, a marriage built on the solid rock of trust will survive through the storms of life.

We all want a safe place where we can feel known and loved unconditionally. Trust provides this safety, allowing for a sense of comfort which makes room for vulnerability and intimacy. But if this safety isn’t there, fear and insecurity will overcome any chance at heartfelt, genuine closeness.

How to Build Trust in a Relationship: Essential Steps

The following steps can help a relationship become more trusting, even if it’s struggling right now. They aren’t a list that you can check off in order; they’re all ingredients for a healthy, trusting relationship.

If you decide to make these efforts, they’ll need to be ongoing and intentional to make a real difference. And although you can start to implement these steps on your own, if your partner is also committed to building trust in your marriage, you’ll definitely see positive change.

Set Boundaries

Setting personal limits is essential in every relationship, even one as close as marriage. When you set boundaries, you must also be prepared to honor your spouse’s boundaries and personal values, even if you don’t understand them. Having these boundaries shouldn’t lessen your intimacy; it actually provides a way for you to get to know each other better.

Knowing and respecting each other’s need for space will be part of setting boundaries. How much physical and emotional space do you need in a relationship? How much does your partner need? It’s common for spouses to be comfortable with different levels of space, and that’s okay; what’s important is that you know yourself, know your partner, and can communicate about both of your needs.

How much alone time do you each need? How much do you want to share with other people about the details of your relationship? These and similar questions can have a significant impact on the health and trust level of your marriage.

Learn How to Communicate with Authentic Openness

It’s not the differences or problems themselves that often lead to relationship breakdown; it’s whether or not we have the ability to communicate about any issues that arise. Healthy communication involves intentionality, openness, and commitment. Through dialogue, we invite others into our lives and seek to understand them better as well. Through mutual sharing and understanding, a relationship can become stronger and healthier.

Active listening is one of the most important qualities you can cultivate. Avoid interrupting, offering quick fixes, or giving advice without first listening patiently to everything the other person is saying.

Focus on their words before you internally formulate a response, even if you think you know what they’re going to say already. Reflect back to them what you think you heard them say to make sure they feel listened to and to make sure you understand.

Active listening demonstrates care and respect for the other person, and it will build trust even if you ultimately disagree with what they’re saying. When you suspend judgment and focus on just hearing the other person, your relationship will be stronger.

Be Honest

Without honesty, there’s no trust. Deceit, lying, and hiding are the biggest killers of intimacy. If we aren’t honest, we can’t be known. If we’re hiding any behaviors in a relationship, it’s likely that they are destructive behaviors, and the other person is right not to trust us when we don’t have their best interests at heart.

On the other hand, when both people are transparent with each other, peace of mind will follow. You don’t have to wonder and worry about what’s going on. You also don’t have to rely on possibly misguided assumptions that can cause conflict and hurt feelings.

How can you cultivate transparency in your relationship? Start with the everyday details. Get into the habit of sharing your daily experiences, significant shifts in your thinking, and details that allow your partner to share your life with you. Over time, this creates a pattern of consistency that will increase the trust level in your marriage.

Being transparent doesn’t mean you have to exhaustively go over everything that happens when you’re apart or overshare about negative or questionable topics. Instead, transparency means that you share information with your partner and avoid being deceptive and dishonest.

You have a policy of being open and not hiding things, and this cultivates an atmosphere of trust that is a relief to both partners. You won’t have to go out of your way to explain yourself all the time when your partner trusts you.

Doing the hard work of being intentionally honest gives you the freedom of having a trusting, secure marriage.

Be Humble

In every relationship, people will sin against and hurt each other, and breaches of trust will probably happen. Healing is possible, but it requires the person who broke trust to acknowledge their actions fully, and for both partners to agree to humbly and openly work through their problems together.

If you expect your spouse (or yourself) to be perfect, you’ll be sorely disappointed. Even reasonable expectations may not be met. Approaching marriage with grace and humility is the only way for it to thrive. When you sin against your spouse, be aware that confessing and taking responsibility are painful at the moment, but they serve to strengthen your relationship and build trust in the long run.

If you fail in some way and you sweep it under the rug instead of being honest about it, your spouse may wonder what else you’re hiding and struggle to trust you more than if you had openly confessed.

Be Dependable

Setting boundaries, being intentional, and working on communication with your spouse all help to build trust between the two of you.

But just like so many other areas of life, the rubber meets the road with follow-through. Making sporadic efforts at building trust probably won’t improve your relationship much. Consistently demonstrating a desire to change will.

If you promise to improve, honor boundaries, or stick to agreements, and then you don’t follow through, it would have been better for you not to make those original commitments. Getting your spouse’s hopes up and then not following through will create even more trust issues.

This means considering what commitments you make in the moment. Don’t just go along with something to keep the peace. Really consider whether you can follow through. Remember when you don’t keep your word, you break trust in every situation.

So along with cultivating openness and being committed to honesty, be a man or woman of your word. When your words match up with your actions over time, your spouse will be able to trust you.

Express Your Needs

When you’re in a relationship with someone for years, sometimes you start to believe that you can read their mind. And to some extent, we do become predictable to each other over the years. But never forget that your spouse is a separate individual, autonomous from you. You only see a glimpse of what goes on in their head. There’s much more to get to know.

And people change. This may sound trite, but sometimes we forget that our spouse is going to grow and change over the years.

You can’t assume they’re going to think or believe or say or do something just because of the past. You can make an educated guess. You can know your spouse based on what they tell you or who they are today. But if they haven’t explicitly said what they’re thinking, you don’t know.

And thinking you know, or expecting them to read your mind, leads to problems.

So how do we avoid making assumptions, or expecting our spouse to read our mind and know what we need? We have to communicate, no matter how many years we’ve been together.

Let’s say you have a specific need in mind, and your spouse is capable of meeting it. You need more attention from your spouse to feel close to them. Once you’ve identified this need, think of a specific suggestion that you can give your spouse to meet it. This suggestion isn’t a demand or an order, but depending on their personality, it can help your spouse follow through or understand what you’re asking.

So instead of just saying, “I feel lonely and like we don’t spend much time together” (which is a good start), you could break it down even more:

• “I’ve been feeling lonely in our relationship.
• I need to spend more time with you to feel close and connected.
• I would like us to schedule a date night twice a month.”

And then be open to your spouse’s thoughts and suggestions.

When your spouse expresses one of his or her own needs, practice empathy, and active listening. Be willing to adjust your behavior or make changes. As you both demonstrate care for the other person’s needs, the trust will grow.

Forgive

Sin is part of every relationship. We all have to forgive people for hurting us. When there’s a foundation of trust, we know that if we’re hurt, or we disagree, or we have conflict, the relationship isn’t over. If you know that your spouse has your best interests in mind and is wholeheartedly committed to the relationship, you’ll be able to weather daily problems and conflicts.

Dealing with Past Hurts

If there’s anything we can take from this discussion, it’s that trust doesn’t happen naturally. It has to be cultivated. And that doesn’t mean demanding that the other person should trust you; it means being trustworthy yourself.

What if you’ve been betrayed by your spouse or someone in your past, and you’re struggling to trust and feel secure in your relationship?

There are so many ways to be betrayed – whether it’s by having your boundaries crossed or being lied to or deceived. Forgiveness and trust are two separate components of repairing a relationship. Forgiveness is unconditional, but trust is conditional.

If the person who betrayed you is seeking restoration, they must begin by acknowledging their betrayal and apologizing. They should take responsibility and recognize the pain they caused you. And there should be some assurance that the betrayal won’t happen again, followed by actions that back up that promise.

If you are the one who has caused the hurt, committing yourself to this course of action can go a long way towards rebuilding trust.

As the person who was hurt, assess your feelings in response to the betrayal. Don’t gloss over the pain. Don’t sweep it under the rug. Feel it instead of suppressing it. You can’t heal a sickness until you consider all your symptoms and get a diagnosis. In the same way, you can’t recover from a huge breach of trust without considering the implications.

It helps to know yourself as you start to rebuild the relationship. Is your hesitation to trust again based on anything other than the betrayal, such as a childhood experience or a past betrayal from another person? Are you willing to communicate your thoughts and feelings throughout the healing process, so you can grow closer without stuffing things inside?

No one is perfect, so when you’re trying to rebuild trust in a fallible human being, part of it will be based on wisdom and what you know of them, and part of it will be a leap of faith. Making the decision to rebuild trust can be scary. Be patient with your spouse and yourself throughout the process.

Seeking Help

Moving forward after a betrayal can be difficult, and it’s not a sign of weakness to seek help, but rather a sign of wisdom! If you’re having trouble trusting your own judgment in your situation, a counselor can help you address any issues you’re having with communication, trust, and intimacy. We will walk with you on your journey towards building a healthy and trusting relationship. Irvine Christian Counseling is here to support you through this process.