5 Questions to Ask Before Marriage

Nurturing a romantic relationship toward marriage is an option that fewer Americans are taking now than in the past. More and more Americans are choosing to either stay single or cohabit than get married.

According to the Pew Research Center, an analysis of census data found that in 2019, “roughly four-in-ten adults ages 25 to 54 (38%) were un-partnered – that is, neither married nor living with a partner. This share is up sharply from 29% in 1990. Men are now more likely than women to be un-partnered, which wasn’t the case 30 years ago.” (Pew)

Marrying someone is a huge decision that will have a lifelong impact on both parties and the people closest to them. With the right person, taking that step will likely feel natural, but even then you may have some questions that are important to address beforehand. There’s value in asking questions that will set your mind at ease about any concerns, and that will help secure a firm foundation for your marriage.

Some questions to ask before marriage

Some people worry that asking certain questions before getting married to someone could negatively impact the relationship. Why rock the boat? Won’t asking too many questions of the wrong sort sow seeds of dissension and ruin a good thing?

If your relationship can’t stand a little rocking, that should give you pause. Conflict will come in a relationship, and if the relationship isn’t strong enough to weather questions, that’s concerning.

A relationship like a marriage requires honest communication, and that includes questions and expressing any concerns you may have. Honest conversation and accountability aren’t always easy; they can often be painful.

However, without them, it’s difficult to maintain emotional intimacy. Also, in asking questions of one another, you can establish boundaries, which can help you love one another better. Some questions to ask before marriage include the following:

Do you have any wounds you’re carrying from past relationships?

Past relationships can leave a mark, and that can affect your relationship. For instance, if an old partner cheated, that could create trust issues in your relationship that have nothing to do with you or your actions. Unearthing any old wounds also presents an opportunity to move toward healing.

You can also ask why previous relationships ended as this can disclose if there are any red flags like poor relationship skills.

What is your understanding and view of marriage?

Not everyone views marriage the same way. Even if you both share the same faith commitments, how you understand marriage won’t necessarily be the same. Past experiences with one’s parents or other close role models and loved ones shape one’s perspective on marriage and commitment. And that’s not to mention society’s influence. It’s good to start your marriage on the same page about what you’re doing.

You can also ask each other what roles each of you see each partner performing in the marriage, whether regarding finances, parenting, or household responsibilities.

Explore your thoughts about divorce or separation and whether you consider that an option when you go through a rough patch in your marriage.

As you reflect on marriage, it is also important to explore how you view sex, romance, and intimacy in a marriage, and what role you think they occupy in the relationship. It’s good to know how important these things are to one another so that you can prioritize and nurture them.

What are your thoughts on children?

You may even ask one another “What do we do if we can’t have biological children?” One shouldn’t take it for granted that their partner wants children, or that they’d be open to adopting. It’s worth asking because children are an important part of the equation, and some thought should be given to how that would work out.

How well do we handle conflict?

As mentioned earlier, conflict happens in marriage. It’s worthwhile asking how you’re doing now with conflict and consider your conflict styles. You need to navigate conflict in a healthy way.

What are your goals?

Marriage is about alignment. If you’re two great people that are going different places, that can be a challenge. It’s good to know what each other’s ideal life path is, and how you can support and walk alongside each other.

You can ask one another about your faith and what role that plays in shaping your life. You can also ask each other about your political beliefs, as that can have an effect on your relationship and choices that affect both of you.

Finding help as you pursue life together

These and many other questions are the sorts of concerns that are often explored in Christian premarital counseling. In addition to navigating it by yourselves, you can also rely on the insight and guidance of a couples or marriage counselor. Your counselor will help you explore these questions, and they can also provide you with tools to grow, such as conflict resolution or goal-setting skills.

If you’re considering marriage, you can give yourself a great start by seeking help from a counselor at Irvine Christian Counseling. Reach out to speak to a counselor in Irvine to find out more about counseling for couples and marriage preparation.